Yer Just An Abercrombie Eh

Everything was eggs and coffee...  but that was only till the torpedo showed.  That's when we's knew it was time to dangle.  It wasn't long before we realized our pally wasn't in town to be bumping gums.  He was plugging us with his Chicago typewriter meanin to have us all kiss off.  Of course, we got some chums who were more than glad to gum up the works, makin his work nothin more than a trip for biscuits.  Sure me and my chums were a bit off the cob, but we were all cats and alligators lovin the chirp of the canaries, certainly no people to be in this kind of wingding.  Since the coast is clear now, I'm a bit Joed so I'll doss for now, but I'll fill you in on the lowdown later, no worries there.

"This isn't the 1930's.  There are some differences on organizing strategies, but it doesn't add up to a need for a split.  This is not a positive step"

Shawn Davis

Shirpah

It's what is, that is until it isn't.  Now take all that you think you know.
Good job, you just found out how little you know.  By the way, that'll be 125 USD for my services.
But wait there's more!
I would like for you to think of a number.  Now take that number and remove all but the first digit.  Now, take that number and round it down to the nearest even number, counting zero as an even.  Now tell me your original number and I can tell you what you ended up with.  Amazing, isn't it?  That one is free of charge, but if you ever use any of the numbers or ideas we just used, you owe me 350 USD per occurrence.

"An idea can turn to dust or magic, depending on the talent that rubs against it"

Shawn Davis 

Wizards and Whales... Woah

Once way away from here wizards wailed whales.  But since the wondrous whales were waiting patiently for things to change, the wizards wavered.  Once the wizards wavered, one by one the whales created lasers to attach to their wide angle lenses for more precise photography.  The wizards never saw this coming and were unable to counteract the power of the precision photography and were quickly surpassed in Youtube subscribers.  So the wizards cunningly devised a plan, they would immediately change their focus from Youtube to Twitter, but the whales had seen this coming and had already begun blogging, vlogging, and tweeting.  The powers were failing the wizards.  So the wizards had to enact something they didn't want to, but they needed a final solution for the problem...  One week later the headlines read "Where Are Whales? Wizards Winking"

"Great liars are also great magicians"

Shawn Davis

Grand Zero

Inducto-deducto:  An oppometric terminization of things not of sameness, rather of not sameness
Dicto-alchemy:  The creationary canary of unexistant, but now reformed to existent words
Chimereason:  Reasonization that bestoweth a duple meaning from that which may have up to but no more than one meaning, though actually containing two meanings built into one thing
Interdimensionalearnification:  Learning through unlearning;  A form of gaining knowledge unfundamentally
Readerizationalism:  The idea that, even the most minute and obviously meaningless of things, has the ability to be read and have a deeper meaning able to be derived

"Eating words has never given me indegestion"

Shawn Davis

LIVE In Pure Reverse

So for many years it has been said that evil race car drivers would make perfect politicians.  Well even though it hasn't always been said, it's true.  Today we have a report on just this.  Viktor Bjiorjngsiariardinsteiner, once famous for his notorious on track deviousness, has now turned to the holy art of politicizing.  He is in the running for world leader of the world. This doesn't come to a shock for many because they say that he has been plotting to take over the world for as long as he has been alive, but Viktor debunked these claims by saying "no".  Hopefully Viktor is able to make a difference in this world, because what everyone needs right now is a hero.  Not just for anything though, but for the world, ya know.  It's like you have to think of the ponies in it all.  The ponies man.

"Desire is the key to motivation, but it's the determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek" 

Shawn Davis

Apostrophocolypse

Streams of Kool-Aid?  Oh I think yes; at least that was where I lay after the systematic extenuations of the days events.  What were these events that you ask?  No, that's not what you asked?  Well what did you ask?  I don't even care, you will sit here and listen.

It all happened on a mountain, at least I think it did.  Mountain goats live on mountains right?  At least I think that they do while they are on Earth, but that isn't important, what's important is what happened.  It was a cold day, at least I think it was a cold day.  Aren't mountains cold places?  That isn't what's important, so nevermind that.  What is important is this: The mountain goats surrounded me; they were everywhere.  I moved slightly to the left.  They were there, everywhere.  And before long I was taken into their ship.  What?  Did you think that the goats would abduct me in a boat?  Goats and boats, bah, ridiculous!  Anyways, they took me into their ship and that is when everything happened.  They put on sombreros and started to dance, oh and they removed all of my internal organs, which caused a rather unpleasant euphoria, but that's not what's important.  What's important is who else I saw there.  It was none other than Paul Simon!!!  Yeah.  Oh yeah, and then I was taken into the back room to have some new organs put in; I was pleased to find out they were made of cheese.  I like cheese.

"A corpse is meat gone bad. Well and hat's cheese? Corpse of milk."

Shawn Davis

Ziggurat

When you imagine a bowling league, assassins is not usually the first thing to some to mind.  Well it should be, and here to tell you why is special correspondent Tim.  Tim, explain to us what you are thinking when you think of bowling leagues.
"Well, to start off, I enchant things, I am an enchanter"
Yes, well that is all fine and good Tim, but the assassins.
"Please, as I have said, I am an enchanter, so refer to me by my name and title if you will, I am more dignified than that.  Call me Tim the Enchanter, and if you so desire, you may add to the end of that the Warlock as well, but that is completely your preference good sir"
Indeed, now about the bowling leagues Tim the Enchanter.
"Now you are just being silly, in a phrase like that you should just refer to me as Tim, because it sounds strange when you say it like that in that context"
So what you are doing here is trying to talk about yourself, and that there probably is no reason to fear bowling leagues, am I correct?
"Absolutely not!  Are you absurd man, or just plain daft?  All members of bowling leagues are by their nature assassins and extremely efficient ones at that!  They are the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered bowlers that you could ever set your eyes on!"
Right, so I am correct in my assumption that you are a raving loon, yes?
"Why I, you just, why don't you, I mean, grr, just go face one yourself then you fool!"
I think I will then, we have one in the studio actually.
"I'm warning you!"
Right, well anyways, Boris, bring in the league bowler.
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Boris, bring him in.
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"I warned you, but did you listen to me?  Oh no, you 'knew', didn't you?  Oh, it's just a harmless bowling leaguer, isn't it?"
I shall just go get him then to prove that he is just right in there.
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*Several odd noises later
"Alright Jimmy, come on out here.  This is the eighth time, and not once have they listened to me, have they?  Here is your winnings from our bet, one dollar.  I shall persuade them next time though Jimmy, I will"
'Sure Tim the Enchanter the Warlock, sure'

"Bowling -- Because serial killers enjoy team sports too"

Shawn Davis