Sensation

So today we are all gathering together in separate parts of the globe to announce the spectacle of spectacles; the eye.  We are all really quite excited for this event and have been looking forward to it for quite some time, as a matter of fact we have been waiting for it all our lives as well as the lives of our ancestors.  So without further ado, we present to you the eye!  WOW, just look at all the stuff, there's big stuff, and little stuff, and just look at you honey...  wow... I mean look at you, this isn't at all what I pictured you looked like...  umm, I think we have a problem here...  I don't think things are gonna work out...  WAIT!  I have an idea!  Hand me those nails!  ***AHHHH OWWWW JESUS! SOMEBODY HELP!

*A few hours later*

So now I'm picturing you as I saw you... sorry...

Do you think I would stay with someone so stupid as to scratch their newly found eyes out?  I just wanted to make sure you were alright


"Eye scream, you scream, we all scream for eye screams"

Shawn Davis

Fluxation

Think about it.  What if the universe were a thinking entity and we were all the neurons of its massive cerebral engine?  Are we finite?  Will there be a reckoning?  Will there be enough cheese at the party?  Should I bring my own drinks?  Where am I going with this?  Who are you?  How did you get here?  See, that's what you did wrong, you were supposed to take a left at the stop sign to get to Canada.

"Canadia"

Shawn Davis

My complaint about Kathy Nicklaus

I have been meaning to write this letter for some time now and, in light of recent developments, I believe it is appropriate. First, the misinformation: Kathy Nicklaus suggests that truth is whatever your grievance group says it is. Where the heck did she come up with that? In other words, to what degree is she going to perpetuate misguided and questionable notions of other paltry blatherskites' intentions? If you contend that the Universe belongs to Kathy by right then you won't understand my answer no matter how carefully I explain it. You won't understand my answer if you assert that "the truth", "the whole truth", and "nothing but the truth" are three different things. However, you have a chance at understanding my answer if you're open-minded enough to realize that I used to believe that Kathy was an egocentric, mendacious publicity hound. However, after seeing how she wants to impale us on the pike of cameralism, I now have an even lower opinion of her. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that Kathy says that she is a tireless protector of civil rights and civil liberties for all people. Although Kathy obviously cut that statement out of whole cloth, I'm sure she seriously believes that her blessing is the equivalent of a papal imprimatur, seeing how her selective memory works. But let's not lose sight of the larger, more important issue here: her foolish arguments.

Kathy's older nostrums were pertinacious enough. Her latest ones are doubtlessly beyond the pale. One immanent characteristic of Kathy's communications is that they prepare the ground for an ever-more vicious and brutal campaign of terror. Now I could go off on that point alone, but in a recent tell-all, a former member of her crime syndicate writes that "the worst classes of stubborn treasonous-types there are have an insatiable appetite for Kathy's dulcet but grotty piffle". Those are some pretty harsh words even when one considers that Kathy says that she is a refined lady with the soundest education and morals you can imagine and that therefore it is not only acceptable but indeed desirable to supplant national heroes with repulsive, arrogant spoiled brats. Hello? Is Mr. Logic down at the pub with a dozen pints inside him or what? Kathy's secret passion is to lay all of society open to the predations of organized criminality. For shame!


To parody the old song, "Fish gotta swim, Kathy gotta usher in the beginning of an obstinate new era of fetishism." She expects us to behave like passive sheep. The only choice Kathy believes we should be allowed to make for ourselves is whether to head towards her slaughterhouse at a trot or at a gallop. She sincerely doesn't want us choosing to discuss the relationship between three converging and ever-growing factions—disloyal, obtuse peddlers of snake-oil remedies, petulant swaggerers, and barbaric braggarts. Curiously, if I thought that her zingers had even a snowball's chance in Hell of doing anything good for anyone, then I wouldn't be so critical. As they stand, however, I can conclude only that Kathy has tried keeping essential documents hidden from the public until they become politically moot. She has also tried etiolating her critics. Why does Kathy do such things? As you ponder the answer to that question, consider that when people see laughable warlords behaving like laughable warlords they begin to realize that Kathy once tried to convince a bunch of us that our only chance of saving the planet is to accept unending regulations and straightjacket "reforms" from her proxies. Fortunately, calmer heads prevailed and a number of people informed the rest of the gang that I have a plan to yank up misinformed vandals of various stripes from the dark rocks under which they hide and flaunt them before the bright sunshine of public exposure. I call this plan "Operation drive off and disperse the belligerent smut peddlers who leave behind a legacy of perpetual indebtedness in developing countries". (Granted, I need a shorter, catchier name, but that one will do for now.) My plan's underlying motif is that in Kathy's plaints, plagiarism is witting and unremitting, unholy and gloomy. She revels in it, rolls in it, and uses it to engulf reason and humanity within waves of neopaganism and fear.


The fact that Kathy is a mean old Scrooge is distressing, to say the least. Her casus belli will have consequences—very serious consequences. We ought to begin doing something about that. We ought to serve on the side of Truth. We ought to spread the word that whenever anyone states the obvious—that she refuses to do anything for herself—discussion naturally progresses towards the question, "What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma is she going through now?" If I'm not mistaken, there's a painfully simple answer. It regards the way that every time she utters or writes a statement that supports autism—even indirectly—it sends a message that she can override nature. I unequivocally insist that we mustn't let her make such statements, partly because we are indeed living in purblind times, but primarily because what I call foolhardy nebbishes have increasingly been placing our children at imminent risk of serious harm. Kathy has a lot to answer for in regard to that.


If you can go more than a minute without hearing Kathy talk about classism, you're either deaf, dumb, or in a serious case of denial. Even giving her the benefit of the doubt, if she can one day get everyone to march in lockstep with her jaded shock troops then the long descent into night is sure to follow. Some of you may feel a little sheepish about investigating Kathy's pudibund principles, ideals, and objectives. Don't. We must all work together towards that end if we're ever to open minds instead of closing them.


I recently heard a famous celebrity—I forgot which one—say, "Kathy's pretentious, imprudent metanarratives are chockablock with anarchism." That's such a great quote, I wish I had been the one who thought of it. Sadly, the cleverest thing I ever said was that Kathy is just trying to pick a fight. That's why she says that no one is smart enough to see through her transparent lies. Is there a chance that Kathy isn't boisterous, ill-natured, and stiff-necked? From what I've seen, I doubt it. She refuses to come to terms with reality. Kathy prefers instead to live in a fantasy world of rationalization and hallucination.


Please, please, please help me bear witness to the plain, unvarnished truth. Without your help, Kathy will decidedly promulgate partisan prejudice against others. She has got to go—and yesterday isn't soon enough. It's easy to see that I hate how she shows such callous indifference to those whose lives she's ruined, but let me tell you the rest of the story: Kathy likes to arouse the hostility and excite the cupidity of coprophagous purveyors of malice and hatred. Such activity can flourish only in the dark, however. If you drag it into the open, Kathy and her myrmidons will run for cover like cockroaches in a dirty kitchen when the light is turned on suddenly during the night. That's why we must fight the warped, distorted, misshapen, unwholesome monstrosity that Kathy's ruses have become. She is trying to brainwash us. She wants us to believe that it's loathsome to encourage individuals to come out of their cocoons and flourish; that's boring; that's not cool. You know what I think of that, don't you? I think that if Kathy thinks that she can make me dig my own grave and pay for the shovel then she's barking up the wrong tree.


Kathy's comments are often appallingly unforgiving, sometimes oligophrenic, frequently off-point, and occasionally sexist. Nevertheless, they do tell us something important about Kathy. They tell us that Kathy intends to obfuscate the issue so that one can't see what ought to be completely obvious to all. Speaking of which, she operates on an international scale to encourage the acceptance of scapegoating and demonization. It's only fitting, therefore, that we, too, work on an international scale, but to challenge Kathy's disruptive assumptions about merit.


In spite of the fact that Kathy has flirted with favoritism and some of the more exotic forms of colonialism, many people respond to her noxious, unscrupulous vituperations in the same way that they respond to television dramas. They watch them; they talk about them; but they feel no overwhelming compulsion to do anything about them. That's why I insist we avoid the extremes of a pessimistic naturalism and an optimistic humanism by combining the truths of both. Even her adulators couldn't deal with the full impact of her ebullitions. That's why they created "Kathy-ism," which is just a wrongheaded excuse to cause obstreperous subversion to gather momentum on college campuses. There's no mystery about it, no more room for fairy tales, just the knowledge that she is greatly increasing the size of her dangerous faction by needling and wheedling loquacious know-nothings into it. Excuse me; that's not entirely correct. What I meant to say is that if you don't think that the mess that Kathy has left behind is sometimes hard to see but eventually will be impossible to ignore, then you've missed the whole point of this letter.


I had thought the world was free of short-sighted boneheads. So imagine my surprise when I discovered that Kathy wants to blacklist her adversaries as terrorist sympathizers or traitors. Her ideologies are so nebulous and malleable that they can be used to justify any scabrous quips. That conclusion is not based on some sort of lackadaisical philosophy or on Kathy-style mental masturbation, but on widely known and proven principles of science. These principles explain that if we do nothing, Kathy will keep on destroying that which is the envy of—and model for—the entire civilized world. One cannot change this all in a moment, but one can establish beyond a shred of doubt that it is morally unjustifiable for Kathy to compromise the free and open nature of public discourse. We must put an end to diabolic simplism. This call to action begins with you. You must be the first to clear the cobwebs out of people's heads and help them understand that Kathy exhibits signs of arrested development. You must be the one to communicate and teach. And you must inform your fellow man that if I have a bias, it is only against domineering exhibitionists who incite an atmosphere of violence and endangerment toward the good men, women, and children of this state. Everything I've written in this letter amounts to this: Kathy Nicklaus's refrains are fatally fissiparous.


"Gosh"


Shawn Davis

Secret laboratory

So as many of you may know, I have a secret laboratory in which I conduct my "research" for certain things.  As of late my research has become a bit more, how should I say, demanding.  Today I come to my legions for assistance.  I require more ideas for which to dissect and examine.  The fountains of knowledge need to flow more freely, and I feel like with your help my minions, the world shall become far more grand.  I have created three trolls from fourteen cats, three dogs, a chimpanzee, two pineapples, a refrigerator, two and a half compass needles, eighteen humans - four females and fourteen males - a pizza from Little Ceaser's, a pair of pants, and the ground from Hiroshima.  My hopes are to make two more trolls from similar items.  First thing is first though, I need to make you, my minions, more obedient, so step through these doors and tell me how the trolls are doing...  Well, enjoy.  
But really, some more ideas of things to write about.


"Welcome to my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain 
I hope that you've enjoyed your stay so far 
I see you've met my assistant Scarface 
His appearance is quite disturbing 
But I assure you he's harmless enough 
He's a sweetheart, calls me master 
And he has a way of finding pretty things and bringing them to me "

Shawn Davis

Yer Just An Abercrombie Eh

Everything was eggs and coffee...  but that was only till the torpedo showed.  That's when we's knew it was time to dangle.  It wasn't long before we realized our pally wasn't in town to be bumping gums.  He was plugging us with his Chicago typewriter meanin to have us all kiss off.  Of course, we got some chums who were more than glad to gum up the works, makin his work nothin more than a trip for biscuits.  Sure me and my chums were a bit off the cob, but we were all cats and alligators lovin the chirp of the canaries, certainly no people to be in this kind of wingding.  Since the coast is clear now, I'm a bit Joed so I'll doss for now, but I'll fill you in on the lowdown later, no worries there.

"This isn't the 1930's.  There are some differences on organizing strategies, but it doesn't add up to a need for a split.  This is not a positive step"

Shawn Davis

Shirpah

It's what is, that is until it isn't.  Now take all that you think you know.
Good job, you just found out how little you know.  By the way, that'll be 125 USD for my services.
But wait there's more!
I would like for you to think of a number.  Now take that number and remove all but the first digit.  Now, take that number and round it down to the nearest even number, counting zero as an even.  Now tell me your original number and I can tell you what you ended up with.  Amazing, isn't it?  That one is free of charge, but if you ever use any of the numbers or ideas we just used, you owe me 350 USD per occurrence.

"An idea can turn to dust or magic, depending on the talent that rubs against it"

Shawn Davis 

Wizards and Whales... Woah

Once way away from here wizards wailed whales.  But since the wondrous whales were waiting patiently for things to change, the wizards wavered.  Once the wizards wavered, one by one the whales created lasers to attach to their wide angle lenses for more precise photography.  The wizards never saw this coming and were unable to counteract the power of the precision photography and were quickly surpassed in Youtube subscribers.  So the wizards cunningly devised a plan, they would immediately change their focus from Youtube to Twitter, but the whales had seen this coming and had already begun blogging, vlogging, and tweeting.  The powers were failing the wizards.  So the wizards had to enact something they didn't want to, but they needed a final solution for the problem...  One week later the headlines read "Where Are Whales? Wizards Winking"

"Great liars are also great magicians"

Shawn Davis

Grand Zero

Inducto-deducto:  An oppometric terminization of things not of sameness, rather of not sameness
Dicto-alchemy:  The creationary canary of unexistant, but now reformed to existent words
Chimereason:  Reasonization that bestoweth a duple meaning from that which may have up to but no more than one meaning, though actually containing two meanings built into one thing
Interdimensionalearnification:  Learning through unlearning;  A form of gaining knowledge unfundamentally
Readerizationalism:  The idea that, even the most minute and obviously meaningless of things, has the ability to be read and have a deeper meaning able to be derived

"Eating words has never given me indegestion"

Shawn Davis

LIVE In Pure Reverse

So for many years it has been said that evil race car drivers would make perfect politicians.  Well even though it hasn't always been said, it's true.  Today we have a report on just this.  Viktor Bjiorjngsiariardinsteiner, once famous for his notorious on track deviousness, has now turned to the holy art of politicizing.  He is in the running for world leader of the world. This doesn't come to a shock for many because they say that he has been plotting to take over the world for as long as he has been alive, but Viktor debunked these claims by saying "no".  Hopefully Viktor is able to make a difference in this world, because what everyone needs right now is a hero.  Not just for anything though, but for the world, ya know.  It's like you have to think of the ponies in it all.  The ponies man.

"Desire is the key to motivation, but it's the determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek" 

Shawn Davis

Apostrophocolypse

Streams of Kool-Aid?  Oh I think yes; at least that was where I lay after the systematic extenuations of the days events.  What were these events that you ask?  No, that's not what you asked?  Well what did you ask?  I don't even care, you will sit here and listen.

It all happened on a mountain, at least I think it did.  Mountain goats live on mountains right?  At least I think that they do while they are on Earth, but that isn't important, what's important is what happened.  It was a cold day, at least I think it was a cold day.  Aren't mountains cold places?  That isn't what's important, so nevermind that.  What is important is this: The mountain goats surrounded me; they were everywhere.  I moved slightly to the left.  They were there, everywhere.  And before long I was taken into their ship.  What?  Did you think that the goats would abduct me in a boat?  Goats and boats, bah, ridiculous!  Anyways, they took me into their ship and that is when everything happened.  They put on sombreros and started to dance, oh and they removed all of my internal organs, which caused a rather unpleasant euphoria, but that's not what's important.  What's important is who else I saw there.  It was none other than Paul Simon!!!  Yeah.  Oh yeah, and then I was taken into the back room to have some new organs put in; I was pleased to find out they were made of cheese.  I like cheese.

"A corpse is meat gone bad. Well and hat's cheese? Corpse of milk."

Shawn Davis

Ziggurat

When you imagine a bowling league, assassins is not usually the first thing to some to mind.  Well it should be, and here to tell you why is special correspondent Tim.  Tim, explain to us what you are thinking when you think of bowling leagues.
"Well, to start off, I enchant things, I am an enchanter"
Yes, well that is all fine and good Tim, but the assassins.
"Please, as I have said, I am an enchanter, so refer to me by my name and title if you will, I am more dignified than that.  Call me Tim the Enchanter, and if you so desire, you may add to the end of that the Warlock as well, but that is completely your preference good sir"
Indeed, now about the bowling leagues Tim the Enchanter.
"Now you are just being silly, in a phrase like that you should just refer to me as Tim, because it sounds strange when you say it like that in that context"
So what you are doing here is trying to talk about yourself, and that there probably is no reason to fear bowling leagues, am I correct?
"Absolutely not!  Are you absurd man, or just plain daft?  All members of bowling leagues are by their nature assassins and extremely efficient ones at that!  They are the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered bowlers that you could ever set your eyes on!"
Right, so I am correct in my assumption that you are a raving loon, yes?
"Why I, you just, why don't you, I mean, grr, just go face one yourself then you fool!"
I think I will then, we have one in the studio actually.
"I'm warning you!"
Right, well anyways, Boris, bring in the league bowler.
...
...
...
...
Boris, bring him in.
...
...
...
"I warned you, but did you listen to me?  Oh no, you 'knew', didn't you?  Oh, it's just a harmless bowling leaguer, isn't it?"
I shall just go get him then to prove that he is just right in there.
...
...
...
*Several odd noises later
"Alright Jimmy, come on out here.  This is the eighth time, and not once have they listened to me, have they?  Here is your winnings from our bet, one dollar.  I shall persuade them next time though Jimmy, I will"
'Sure Tim the Enchanter the Warlock, sure'

"Bowling -- Because serial killers enjoy team sports too"

Shawn Davis